How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”? When it becomes apparent.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over people’s heads.
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an “outstanding balance.”
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship? A blood vessel.
There’s only one thing I can’t deal with, and that’s a deck of cards glued together.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
What did the evil chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watchdogs.
My doctor told me I’ve really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I “gained excess weight.”
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What does a mobster buried in cement soon become?
A hardened criminal.
What did the skeleton order with its beer? A mop.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
Inflation is really getting out of hand, but that’s just my five cents.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.
What is the Easter bunny’s favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
Did you hear about the guy who stole 50 cartons of hand sanitizer? They couldn’t prosecute—his hands were clean.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.